D-Day Minus One

Dear Journal,

    I really need to give you a name. After all, Anne Frank called her diary "Kitty" (sounds vaguely innuendo-laden, but I have a dirty mind), so I'll go for the male counterpart and call you "Richard". Or maybe not. I might not even give you a name. Or even talk to you. I don't know. I'm a bit of a mess right now, half-asleep and thoughts jumbled up like a 5000-piece jigsaw puzzle after an earthquake.

I won't promise that this is going to be a short post. Despite my lethargy and drowsiness, I know it will be bloody long. So, brace yourself. Or skip the whole damn thing - You won't be missing anything interesting anyway.

   It's the 30th of July, 2013. 9:45 pm, so around 2 hours of my 20s left - 2 hours before I become "old" to some circles. And here I am, reflecting on the decade that seems to have, in retrospect, flown by in a haze of memories - some good, some bad, crushes and heartbreaks, lessons both in the classroom and in life, thoughts and emotions, roller coaster rides of the heart and mind.

  The 20s - Education-wise, not a very bad decade. Completed my Bachelors and Masters.So, about 7 years of textbooks, exams, homeworks, lab sessions, a succession of barely-remembered lecturers and professors, and dozing off in pretty much all classes at some time or the other (I blame it on latent narcolepsy - That's my excuse and I' sticking to it). It wasn't all studies - I ought to confess I lost my competitive spirit a long time ago, with some apathy creeping in, sometime during elementary school. Not a big deal, I suppose - I did get reasonably decent scores, without much stress or effort on my part. I, for one, am all for passable results with minimum effort. I'm lazy and apathetic at times - a deadly combination. 

There were plenty of fun times - new gangs of friends, lots of cultural and literary fests and competitions to attend, new friends who introduced me to new stuff - rock music, classic rock, sci-fi/fantasy, dumb charades and pictionary, bunking classes, dhabas and multiplayer computer games. Fun guys - a lot of whom were are proud geeks with quite a lot of geek cred. Some seriously impressive resumes and achievements - coders, photographers, travelers, nerds, scientists and entrepreneurs. Friends I've unfortunately drifted apart from, to keep in touch only via social networks or the occasional phone call. I guess I can blame myself for that - a self-absorbed apathetic introvert shutting people out. It's not pleasant, but it is what it is - The best I can hope to do is try and rectify that - to bridge the widening gap.

Mentally and emotionally, I doubt I would want to go through the 20s again - It's been quite a bit of a roller coaster ride of emotions. Quite a bit of introversion, with insecurities and self-loathing, a lot of introspection, overthinking and building a facade for friends and family. I suppose it's always been lurking not-very-deep beneath the surface, but my first real winter in Maine brought about the long-dormant demons of clinical depression, with some rather dark moments while dealing with a whole range of personal issues, identity crises and homesickness. I guess it wouldn't be too much of an exaggeration to say I waded through some deep shit during that period, dredging up a lot of negative emotions and eventually learning to deal with them - with a lot of help from friends and a friendly shrink. 

 That said, it wasn't ALL bad. The bad times had their silver linings. I did end up learning a lot about myself - Not that I worked upon my faults and flaws - Not all of them anyway. I learned to force myself to deal with people - to socialize and actually enjoy it - As Stephen Chbosky puts it , I learned to participate, rather than just observe. I did genuinely have fun with people. I learned about my strengths. And realized group therapy sessions wouldn't really work for me - I wasn't ready to open up completely, and I had that deep-seated smug attitude, where I was subconsciously analyzing other folks' issues and playing shrink, while avoiding my own demons. Two groups and months of therapy later, I decided I would learn to deal with the depression on my own. And I guess I did learn how to deal with it - Not to fight it, but accept it and appease it. It has worked for me to a large extent, and I'm relatively happier now. Life isn't exactly a bed of roses, but the thorns don't hurt as much. It's bearable, the panic attacks and hyperventilation episodes are fewer and far between. The apathy isn't as engulfing, and I'm learning to open up to people.

Of course, dear journal (or dear reader), I don't think I'm ready to open myself up completely to you. Not yet, anyway. I'm still a mess of issues within - a veritable smorgasbord of psychological issues compounded by half-baked knowledge of pop psychology (another deadly combination, I must add). And I suppose I'm not yet at a point in my life when I can discuss some parts of my life and personality openly, with comfortable ease, with strangers (or friends and family for that matter). Like people love to say, time heals. And maybe, just maybe, with time, I'll feel comfortable enough to talk. Explain. Discuss. Hear from you. Someday. All I know is, it won't be in my 20s. Hopefully before I hit 40 and turn into a dirty old man.

Socially, there isn't really much to reminisce about - I did end up making some very good friends during college - folk who have been supportive and have been around for me when I needed them most. For that, I'm grateful. There are friends who have helped me deal with stuff by just being there. And I'm okay with them not even realizing they were there for me. You just might be one of them. And I'm thankful to all the lovely folk I met and came to know through Livejournal - That place has seen some rather wordy whines and complaints from me. And has brought me some fantastic people - some of whom I've never met in real life, but seem as though I've known for years. You know who you are. Cheers to you guys (and gals). 

Life. Personal Growth. OK. This is one area I'm proud to say I've grown. I suppose I can claim I've matured (though people I know would beg to differ) over the decade. From a blissfully igorant sheltered tween with almost no knowledge of dealing with the real world to a reasonably independent, kinda-responsible adult - It's been an interesting journey. I still can't make sense of account books or income tax returns, but I can deal with stuff around the house, balance my checkbook, cook, clean, write and deal with the mundane but necessary chores of life. I guess I am more wholesome a person than I was 7 years ago.

And I did pick up photography as a hobby - and I did learn a lot. I went through two point and shoot digital cameras, a 35mm film SLR, a Holga (which I loved), a TLR camera, pined after digital SLRs through the windows (something I still do - Maybe my 30s will see me with a DSLR). I audited a film photography class, where I learned to develop film and make prints - probably my favorite class during my Masters. I realized just how beautiful and zen-like a process developing and printing film is - It's calming and meditative. And it's something I miss dearly back in Bangalore, while dealing with the instant gratification that is digital imaging. While convenient, it doesn't really feel - wholesome.

Anyway, it's a quarter past eleven now and my 20s are drawing to a close. It feels like a bittersweet farewell to some interesting, annoying - and educative part of my life. They say these are just the formative years and that my life is just beginning - but, like most know-it-all, experienced-it-all jaded young adults, I feel I've gone through quite a bit of life - and I probably haven't. It doesn't bother me that I'm turning 30 - or getting older. What nags me (probably unfairly), is that, at 30, I'm not yet at a point in life where I'm happy with myself - or content with where I am and who I am. 

Let's hope THAT issue gets resolved by the time I hit The Big Four-Oh. And maybe the coming decade will be more fun than the last.

I think it's time I made a proper bucket list and started ticking stuff off soon.

Oh, and a Happy Birthday to me. Even though I hate birthdays. This year, I'll try not to be so grouchy and grumpy.

See you on the other side of 30!