People from my past.

I miss my friends - people I could talk to, people I cooked with, played video games with, discussed movies with, and went shopping with. Friends who shared my hobbies, and interests.

 Roby with his obsession love for international cinema, Pavan and Sai, who loved their gadgets and video games, Muddasir, who loved his gadgets and Bollywood, Nitin and his undying love for MMO shooters and RPGs (and Budweiser), Sriram, who I could discuss classic rock and music and technology with, Krishna, who was the token South Indian along with me, Avinash who took our constant ribbing, with a good natured smile, Parag, who was keen on photography and quality headphones, Sanjeev who made his famous "Tiger Rice", Sundar anna and Padma, who were the unofficial uncle-and-aunty for us PIGS, the all-round fun folk (and their spouses), Harish, Ananya, Nazia, Sagar, Pallavi, Shravani, Jincy, Aravind, Raghu, Mohit Paaji, the notorious Rakhi, the silent but very friendly Siyath..

I guess I could go on and list all the Indian friends from the 3+ years in Orono - at least the ones whose names I can recall. I miss them all so much - even the ones whose names I can't remember - the ones who I knew for just a few months too.

There were two colleagues/classmates from the university - Bingxin and Morvarid - two fellow sufferers who spent time with me in the Wireless Sensors Lab. I suppose I kinda became an unofficial honorary "little brown brother" to them :P

I miss Janice and Susan from the office at college - two of the friendliest people ever - always ready with a smile and a warm greeting whenever I saw them. Then, there was Dr. Musavi, the Department chair, who was a HUGE help during my grad school days. He got me my TA jobs when I was a mess financially, he wrote my letters of recommendation after I graduated - and helped reignite my love for neural networks. I wish I had kept in touch with him after I returned home, but me being.. well.. me, I lost touch with him. Maybe not for long. (Note to self : Mail Dr. Musavi). Also, there was Dr. Abedi, who was my advisor and teacher for a while. He guided me through my research, even when I was getting nowhere with my project work. He let me use his lab facilities even after I got kicked off his team, and helped me get through my coursework. I also miss seeing Sarah and Mireille's friendly smiles and helpful gestures whenever I was at the International Student Affairs office. I miss the friendly faces at the cafeteria - the employees who had learned to wave and smile at me whenever they saw the lonely brown kid approaching - specially the one whose name I forget - but whose cheerful smile I remember - The one who got a huge kick out of my innuendo-laden T-shirts I wore. Or the lady at the cafeteria who always added extra toppings to my pizza, and slipped me an extra cup of marinara sauce.

Then there was Paul - the friendly guy at the hairdressers at Bangor Mall.. He was friendly enough to slip me some samples of complimentary hair products - salon pomades and hair gels on occasion - he was the guy who knew instinctively how to style my hair - even without me asking beforehand.

It's ironic, really - I'm an introvert who loves spending time alone, away from people, by myself.
Yet, I often find myself missing these wonderful (and occasionally aggravating) people I spent time around. Among these are people I knew for a brief while - some who I had fleeting contacts with - yet, I find myself missing them so often lately. Mind you, I'm not prone to sentiments and yearning for people. But somehow, without these people, I feel lost and lonely. If I were to magically find myself in Orono right now (or wherever they are), I know what I'd be doing - Running around town renewing my acquaintances and catching up with these lovely folk.

I'm missing all y'all like crazy right now!

D-Day Minus One

Dear Journal,

    I really need to give you a name. After all, Anne Frank called her diary "Kitty" (sounds vaguely innuendo-laden, but I have a dirty mind), so I'll go for the male counterpart and call you "Richard". Or maybe not. I might not even give you a name. Or even talk to you. I don't know. I'm a bit of a mess right now, half-asleep and thoughts jumbled up like a 5000-piece jigsaw puzzle after an earthquake.

I won't promise that this is going to be a short post. Despite my lethargy and drowsiness, I know it will be bloody long. So, brace yourself. Or skip the whole damn thing - You won't be missing anything interesting anyway.

   It's the 30th of July, 2013. 9:45 pm, so around 2 hours of my 20s left - 2 hours before I become "old" to some circles. And here I am, reflecting on the decade that seems to have, in retrospect, flown by in a haze of memories - some good, some bad, crushes and heartbreaks, lessons both in the classroom and in life, thoughts and emotions, roller coaster rides of the heart and mind.

  The 20s - Education-wise, not a very bad decade. Completed my Bachelors and Masters.So, about 7 years of textbooks, exams, homeworks, lab sessions, a succession of barely-remembered lecturers and professors, and dozing off in pretty much all classes at some time or the other (I blame it on latent narcolepsy - That's my excuse and I' sticking to it). It wasn't all studies - I ought to confess I lost my competitive spirit a long time ago, with some apathy creeping in, sometime during elementary school. Not a big deal, I suppose - I did get reasonably decent scores, without much stress or effort on my part. I, for one, am all for passable results with minimum effort. I'm lazy and apathetic at times - a deadly combination. 

There were plenty of fun times - new gangs of friends, lots of cultural and literary fests and competitions to attend, new friends who introduced me to new stuff - rock music, classic rock, sci-fi/fantasy, dumb charades and pictionary, bunking classes, dhabas and multiplayer computer games. Fun guys - a lot of whom were are proud geeks with quite a lot of geek cred. Some seriously impressive resumes and achievements - coders, photographers, travelers, nerds, scientists and entrepreneurs. Friends I've unfortunately drifted apart from, to keep in touch only via social networks or the occasional phone call. I guess I can blame myself for that - a self-absorbed apathetic introvert shutting people out. It's not pleasant, but it is what it is - The best I can hope to do is try and rectify that - to bridge the widening gap.

Mentally and emotionally, I doubt I would want to go through the 20s again - It's been quite a bit of a roller coaster ride of emotions. Quite a bit of introversion, with insecurities and self-loathing, a lot of introspection, overthinking and building a facade for friends and family. I suppose it's always been lurking not-very-deep beneath the surface, but my first real winter in Maine brought about the long-dormant demons of clinical depression, with some rather dark moments while dealing with a whole range of personal issues, identity crises and homesickness. I guess it wouldn't be too much of an exaggeration to say I waded through some deep shit during that period, dredging up a lot of negative emotions and eventually learning to deal with them - with a lot of help from friends and a friendly shrink. 

 That said, it wasn't ALL bad. The bad times had their silver linings. I did end up learning a lot about myself - Not that I worked upon my faults and flaws - Not all of them anyway. I learned to force myself to deal with people - to socialize and actually enjoy it - As Stephen Chbosky puts it , I learned to participate, rather than just observe. I did genuinely have fun with people. I learned about my strengths. And realized group therapy sessions wouldn't really work for me - I wasn't ready to open up completely, and I had that deep-seated smug attitude, where I was subconsciously analyzing other folks' issues and playing shrink, while avoiding my own demons. Two groups and months of therapy later, I decided I would learn to deal with the depression on my own. And I guess I did learn how to deal with it - Not to fight it, but accept it and appease it. It has worked for me to a large extent, and I'm relatively happier now. Life isn't exactly a bed of roses, but the thorns don't hurt as much. It's bearable, the panic attacks and hyperventilation episodes are fewer and far between. The apathy isn't as engulfing, and I'm learning to open up to people.

Of course, dear journal (or dear reader), I don't think I'm ready to open myself up completely to you. Not yet, anyway. I'm still a mess of issues within - a veritable smorgasbord of psychological issues compounded by half-baked knowledge of pop psychology (another deadly combination, I must add). And I suppose I'm not yet at a point in my life when I can discuss some parts of my life and personality openly, with comfortable ease, with strangers (or friends and family for that matter). Like people love to say, time heals. And maybe, just maybe, with time, I'll feel comfortable enough to talk. Explain. Discuss. Hear from you. Someday. All I know is, it won't be in my 20s. Hopefully before I hit 40 and turn into a dirty old man.

Socially, there isn't really much to reminisce about - I did end up making some very good friends during college - folk who have been supportive and have been around for me when I needed them most. For that, I'm grateful. There are friends who have helped me deal with stuff by just being there. And I'm okay with them not even realizing they were there for me. You just might be one of them. And I'm thankful to all the lovely folk I met and came to know through Livejournal - That place has seen some rather wordy whines and complaints from me. And has brought me some fantastic people - some of whom I've never met in real life, but seem as though I've known for years. You know who you are. Cheers to you guys (and gals). 

Life. Personal Growth. OK. This is one area I'm proud to say I've grown. I suppose I can claim I've matured (though people I know would beg to differ) over the decade. From a blissfully igorant sheltered tween with almost no knowledge of dealing with the real world to a reasonably independent, kinda-responsible adult - It's been an interesting journey. I still can't make sense of account books or income tax returns, but I can deal with stuff around the house, balance my checkbook, cook, clean, write and deal with the mundane but necessary chores of life. I guess I am more wholesome a person than I was 7 years ago.

And I did pick up photography as a hobby - and I did learn a lot. I went through two point and shoot digital cameras, a 35mm film SLR, a Holga (which I loved), a TLR camera, pined after digital SLRs through the windows (something I still do - Maybe my 30s will see me with a DSLR). I audited a film photography class, where I learned to develop film and make prints - probably my favorite class during my Masters. I realized just how beautiful and zen-like a process developing and printing film is - It's calming and meditative. And it's something I miss dearly back in Bangalore, while dealing with the instant gratification that is digital imaging. While convenient, it doesn't really feel - wholesome.

Anyway, it's a quarter past eleven now and my 20s are drawing to a close. It feels like a bittersweet farewell to some interesting, annoying - and educative part of my life. They say these are just the formative years and that my life is just beginning - but, like most know-it-all, experienced-it-all jaded young adults, I feel I've gone through quite a bit of life - and I probably haven't. It doesn't bother me that I'm turning 30 - or getting older. What nags me (probably unfairly), is that, at 30, I'm not yet at a point in life where I'm happy with myself - or content with where I am and who I am. 

Let's hope THAT issue gets resolved by the time I hit The Big Four-Oh. And maybe the coming decade will be more fun than the last.

I think it's time I made a proper bucket list and started ticking stuff off soon.

Oh, and a Happy Birthday to me. Even though I hate birthdays. This year, I'll try not to be so grouchy and grumpy.

See you on the other side of 30!